Thursday, January 29, 2009

The Mighty Water Bear

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Medical Fact #012809

In most cases, blunt trauma is the best way to clear up genital herpes without a prescription.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Slow Hands

I know I said no more double posting, but if you can't put a writing assignment like "5 Minutes: Stream of Consciousness" into a shitty little green (and green) personal blog, then where can you put it?

"5 Minutes – Stream of Consciousness

Shit, I wish something faster was playing – but great! - here's TOOL:
The end, the beginning – what shall i write in 5 minutes?
(this isn't maynard, but fuck it's close) must be some college dropout rippoff: no vision. he sucks. PAUSE
Red Hot Chilly Peppers on now and not a second too soon. Remember when Weird Al dubbed them? The first time? I had that cassette.
TODAY is the first annual Show Your Penis to a Stranger Day! Ok, I'm not participating, but that's cause Dr. Rork is way the hell down in NH being White. Next time.
Shit, wasting time on deleting – no edit (1:30 to go) – STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS – Keep Going!
Don't Stop!
Beats, Phat Beats, Rocking the mic on my Mac. Mic Mac Mic Mac. I heard Anthony Keetis is tone-deaf. Had you heard that?
4 ½ minutes up!
Miss Me!"

I'm trying to cut down on Ze....

...but man this guy is cool!

Here's one for all the graphic designers out there:

(Ok, so I only know one, but I imagine he'll open this page at least once in his life...)

Monday, January 26, 2009

Thias Out to Sea

With an Embryology Exam just over the horizon and my T-cells working overtime, I'm just giving you the link.


Or be very, very disturbed...


Adds from the 30's

What great sources of useful information!

Incidentally, the tapeworm diet does make your hair fall out and your liver fail.

I'm no doctor, but I'd say you should stick to eating lard sans the tapeworms. You may not lose as much weight, but at least you'll be happy.

(Also, I haven't done the leg work for this one yet, but I have to imagine she's not liking this as much as she lets on. I guess it could be some sort aerosolized roofie, but I'm thinking cigar breath has just devolved over the years. I'm sure when Barack reopens trade with Cuba, cigar breath will reclaim its rightful place as an aphrodisiac in American culture.)

Sunday, January 25, 2009

1,474 Megapixel Inauguration Photo

This is a BIG picture.

See if you can find Justice Antonin Scalia farting on Justice John Paul Stevens (HINT: Clarence Thomas is sleeping just behind them.)

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Wherethefuck Do Ideas Come From?

Ok, so no more duel postings after this.

This one goes out to all the creators out there:

(also, any thoughts on why 'promise' and 'promiscuous' look so similar? That's just crazy!)

Ribs + Arm of Couch = Pop-Pop Articulate

While learning the finer arts of aligning upper thoracic vertebrae with the arm of my eggplant colored, crumb infested couch, I found this on The Internet. Enjoy.


I accidentally posted a writing assignment destined for another blog on this page. I contemplated removing it - especially seeing that it gives away my clever pseudonym - but decided to leave it. What the hell, right? And, it does give me the chance to spread the word about Blended Whiskey, a new group writing project open to all who are interested.

Here's how it works:
1. go to and find a writing assignment someone's posted
2. complete the writing assignment
3. post it (putting the assignment you're completing in "Quotes")

That's it! Most assignments are less than a page long, so it's an easy way to play around with the written word if you haven't got heaps of time. Don't be shy. Use a nom de plume. It's easy.
Keep in mind, most of this stuff is little more than a first draft (as you can see below) and isn't real polished. So, if want to play around with some writing - or want an audience, notes et cetera - leave me a message someplace and I'll get you a password.


The Classroom


Randall Stevens
13 October 2008

The Classroom

“Define Success,” the tweed clad professor asked as he strode through the large oak-paneled classroom. It was filled with 16-17 year old students wearing red blazers over white oxford shirts and blue and red plaid ties.
“Success,” said a chipper young girl with auburn hair, “Is the souls achievement of its most foundational dreams.” The class groaned. The one other girl in the room looked away, holding back equal parts laughter and embarrassment. The only difference in dress between these two and the twenty or so males making up the majority of the class were their knee-length wool skirts and white socks in place of the boys' khaki slacks.
“Thank you, my dear.” said the professor, cleaning his glasses on a silk tie. “That was,” he paused, “informative. Anyone else?” A stocky, red-faced youth with a military buzz-cut half coughed and grunted before raising his fingertips.
“Yeah, uh. Success is- success is like...”
“I did not ask what success is like,” the professor interjected, suddenly stern. “I asked you to define it. Anyone else?” A pigeon-chested boy with greasy black hair and ubiquitous acne inched his hand into the air. “Yes, Mr. Mendle?”
“I think success,” he began slowly, “Is meeting your goals, and...”
“And what are your goals, Mr. Mendle? Showing up to class on time, maybe? Not too successful this morning then. And what about yours, Mr. Anderson?” A squat red haired boy choked and sputtered, spilling water down his shirt.
“Me?” he asked, recapping his water bottle.”
“You, Mr. Anderson. What are your goals?”
“I dunno,” he said. “A house, maybe. Wife, kids, a good job? What do you mean?” he added, noticing the snickering faces around the room.
“And you, James?” asked the professor, ignoring this comment. He motioned to the sallow, symmetrically faced blonde man standing at the back window. “What tickles your fancy.”
“Hm?” the blonde man grunted, glancing away from the window and looking vaguely in the professor's direction.
“What tickles your fancy, James,” enunciated the professor.
“Hmm,” he frowned, “Usually my wife.” The class erupted in laughter as the man turned back to whomever it was he was watching stroll across the back lawn. The chipper young girl who'd spoken earlier turned faintly pink and leafed through her copy of Civics: A Pursuit, before the professor finally spoke again,
“Informative,” he said slowly, “As always, Professor Tucker.” The blonde man glanced up again, nodding briefly before returning to his vigil. “Informative.”

Thursday, January 22, 2009

yahoo for not wasting time

US President Barack Obama has ordered the closure of the Guantanamo Bay prison camp as well as all overseas CIA detention centres for terror suspects.

Signing the orders, Mr Obama said the US would continue to fight terror, but maintain "our values and our ideals".

Vagus Baby!

Jon is Sad about the World

"You can safely assume that you've created God in your own image when it turns out that God hates all the same people you do." (Anne Lamott, Traveling Mercies)

Tuesday, January 20, 2009


So, I'm a big fan of Ze Frank,
an,d com,mas,
but this is a seriouslifuckin'coolapp that you should check out:

US Army Goes Green

No, friends, it's not a camouflage joke: it's a poorly researched, unfactchecked, link pertaining to greenish energy. Enjoy:

A Little Work

I started a site a few weeks back called, It's a place for folks who haven't a whole heap of time or motivation who'd like to write to write. (Most submissions are clearer than that.) Folks have been letting me down a little, but c'est la vie,
Thus is life.
There's a little content there - a few sporadic notes resonating against an empty white canvas that is my creativity in web design - but not a lot. So check it out. It's raw. It's slimy. (It could be your new source of creative expression if you ask nicely.) It's good stuff. Nothing here is ready for primetime; it's just a game. And a fun one at that.


If you're interested,

Check out (kickass name, right?) for the details.



Take a Deep Breath

If that last post didn't help you relax, stop by the link below. I really think it will help:

Monday, January 19, 2009

Am I Missing Something?

Why's everyone so scared of an Obama Nation?

In perusing my local facebook, I noticed a theme in tonight's updates: Fear.
Did Obama like tear up a picture of the Pope on Saturday Night Live or something?
(Incidentally, Sinead O'Connor was right about the child abuse cover-up and we should all like her music again.)

A sampling of status updates the night before inauguration:
-"socialism countdown: 14 hours and counting."
-"wa wa wawa wa wa wa."
getting ready for the illegal inauguration, and the Death of America Tomorrow."
had no plans of attending a metallica concert last night but somehow ended up at one."

The last one had nothing to do with the inauguration, but that's my point. Here are a few other updates:
-"...wants you to check out the pictures of my beautiful little niece."
writing a song"
-" looking at dresses... oh my. (she doesn't like any of them!)"
-" excited for snow tomorrow!!!"

What does the first cluster of folks know that the second does not? Could it be this gem - in response to the "Death of America" comment:
I agree 100%!!!!!!!! We will definitely be making history tomorrow - inaugurating a person who is NOT a U.S. CITIZEN!!!!! What a tragedy!"

That does sound frightening! Did no one get a CV on this guy?

Let's take a step back and remember a couple of things:
1. President Obama does not believe in gay marriage.
2. President Obama has not announced plans to make abortions any more available than they have been in recent years.
---My evangelical friends should breathe a sigh of relief - Here.---
3. President Obama has stated plainly that he does not plan to socialize health care.
4. President Obama has not made any plans known that would remove citizens' rights to bear arms.

If I were president, I would fight for the legalization of gay marriage, for abortion reform that doesn't fit on a bumper sticker, for universal, government funded health care, for outlawing handguns and for the reallocation of a whole heap of our military resources and spending toward more constructive endeavors. But I'm not president. And if I were, I still couldn't do any one of those things without the overwhelming support of two houses of congress (each effectively split down the middle by party) and/or a supreme court that has just been stacked with right wing ideologues. No, even someone as liberal, leftist, and morally ambiguous as myself couldn't gay up the nation all by my lonesome.

What powers would I have as president...?
1. I could move a metric shit-ton of troops anywhere I wanted for a period of time without congressional approval.
2. I could appoint supreme court justices who back me ideologically.

As it turns out, President Obama is not a big fan of war. I'm thinking he won't be taking advantage of power #1 too often. As for power #2, what are we always saying about supreme court justices? Oh, right: they should be folks who "uphold the Constitution" and whatnot. I wonder what kind of justices President Obama, a 12 year professor of constitutional law who's just filled his cabinet with as many political rivals as allies, will appoint to the bench. Probably not a leftist ideologue.

Now, I'm an ass - always have been. You don't want me as president.
If you had to choose a person to be president - a person with whom you disagreed politically on a whole slew of issues - you could do worse than a guy like Barack InflammatoryMiddleName Obama. Right?

Thursday, January 15, 2009

While I'm Being Hillarious...

Apostrophe's 'for 'S'ale'

Hudson River Landing

Though a thin sheet of orchid splattered orange cloth covers my living-room television, facebook was kind enough to inform me of the true fucknuttery that is a water landing on the Hudson river. As all 155 passengers of AirBus flight 3.14 survived before the plane sank, I am no longer able to mock the flight attendants as they unconvincingly mime their way through the safety procedures for a 300 mph ocean landing.
From now on I'll just do what I always do before takeoff: pretend to be terrified of flying and grip the neighboring armrests in mock fear, thus staking my claim and expanding my local territory for the durration of the flight. And, this time it will all be sans my usually pithy and cynical banter. Sigh. Is safety really worth the cost?

a new moniker

Cranial Nerve Ten, the Vagus Nerve, is the best traveled of all it's brothers: going hither and thither, spreading out like a net on anything it can reach. The word "vagus" itself literally means "vagabond."

Now, vagabonding has always held a soft spot in my soul but there was never a nickname there... until now.

You can call me Vagus.

Seedless Bacon

Here's a site that pushes the limit, is often not funny, and doesn't waste time on artistic talent.
I like em.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

The Wheels on the Bus

Round and Round we go, stopping only for coffee and quaaludes, and to prove once and for all what a medical dork I am, I had to look up "quaalude" before finishing this sentence. They sound nice.
I feel - something - for not keeping up with this blog. I'd promise to do better, but the spastic equilibrium that is the fabric of my consciousness will surly get the better of me. After a trip South - twice in 10 days - and a reprioritization of life goals (new year's intentions - not 'resolutions' I'm told), Things should be looking up. I posted a few writing assignments on under a shawshankian pseudonym, so that's a start. Mostly, though, I've just been impressed by Pandora's writing.
So, thanks for reading if you've been reading, and check out the above blog if you get a chance. I think it's a good one.
Now, off to see if I passed my skull quiz...

Thursday, January 8, 2009

A Call to Cynicism

World Leaders Ranked By Personal Wealth.

(I guess the silver lining is that Barak is low on the totem poll.)

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

The Skull and the Appleseed

There once was a story which was never written about how a skull and an appleseed took up arms with one another to defend the primary respiratory rhythm's objectivity in a tainted and subjective reality. The story, a great one I'm sure, fell by the wayside and was trampled on by the very...
Who am I kidding; medical school is a creativity zap capable of all manner of crimes against Humanity ( capital 'H' ).

Head and neck anatomy by all accounts seems to be a bit like having one's left hand (or other appendage) locked in a vice grip for six weeks. We have a skull quiz Friday. I will make it my bitch before focusing a shit-ton of good energy on the region surrounding my crista galli and let it seep through the sieve of my cribiform plate before getting sucked in through my eyeballs, past my retinae, criss-crossing along my chiasmatic sulcus and perfusing throughout my brain and CNS. That, or I'll take a couple Benedryll, call it a night and wake up dehydrated sometime Saturday afternoon.
Maybe then I will shovel out my parking spot

good night.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Here's to New Beginnings

I totally rocked that toast a few months ago. It was great. Great and healing.

Anyhoo, it's Sunday, fucking Sunday, and the skull awaits my Osteopathic touch. I'm back in the land of snow and bitchy neighbors. My long standing feud with a neighbor over day time hot water usage culminated while I was away when she hired a plow truck to dump a shit ton of snow neatly and completely on my parking space. I do not know how high the pile was origionally, but it has since melted down to a solid rectangle of snow, sand and ice 10' x 14' wide and 5 feet high! I'm gonna tare that 'give peace a dance' bumpersticker right off her fucking car and shower with it untill my skin blisters with indignation. Better yet, I'm gonna drink a whole bottle of beer all by myself and get a good night sleep for anatomy tomorrow morning! Damn the man.